{"id":2243,"date":"2003-05-21T13:51:48","date_gmt":"2003-05-21T11:51:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/?p=2243"},"modified":"2019-09-30T00:39:19","modified_gmt":"2019-09-29T22:39:19","slug":"prepared-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/?p=2243","title":{"rendered":"Prepared story"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
(Subject of my first email to Isaac, send May 21, 2003, a week before the retreat in Venwoude).<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Dear Isaac,<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Some two years ago we had a chat in the park.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
At some point I said, as a conclusion, and with a painfull smile on my face:<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
“so in a way I’m lucky to have this ‘knowing’ that I will give satsang one day,<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
together with the knowing that there is nothing I can do to make it happen:<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
It’s the most difficult nut to crack for my mind.”<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
And indeed it is. The knowing appeared to be a longing. Longing for attention.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Very often I’m alone, but less and less lonely.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Some month ago I went to satsang with Samarpan. I sat in the chair.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
He said that he did not see questions in me. I look happy in myself, he said.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
But I see them, I said, and it is ok.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
But I have the idea that I have to come up some time with the final, ultimate question.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Ah, its difficult to put in words.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I might as well write down the last sentence right now:<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I’m happy to know you, although its damned difficult to let go of my complex defense mechanisms.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
( “I live behind a wall of abstracted thoughts\/patterns”)<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I have a strong longing to ….. To what?<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
To meet you\/ the world from the heart, fresh, anew, naked, from the heart.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
This looks like just words also, like sentimental crap.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I’m angry with myself, for not being being.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I’m angry that I still need a teacher.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I’m afraid.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Afraid for the spontaneity that I’m so much longing for.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Afraid to ask questions.(May be ashamed for having so many).<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
The last satsang in Munich I came in the chair,<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
prepared to make the public confession that I am addicted to …..<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I said: in my life there are a lot of addictions…<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
You interrupted me, laughing your great giggle, asking “where is it now?”<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I let you stop me there, I did not dare to express my anger,<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I had the idea that for a split second you went on automatic, I did not feel that you listened.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
On the other hand you prevented me from telling my prepared story.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I promised to email you my story. I never dared.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I just refound the notes I made after that session.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I write it down as cryptic as it is:<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Hi Isaac, My story was about left hand tantra.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Hope + beauty = attraction.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
You don’t need people for that. It works with images (porn addiction).<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
And it works with experiences<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Longing for orgasm….the addicted left hand tantric.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
The story is that I’m addicted to smoking and some sexual stuff.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Sometimes I can live with that, sometimes I can not.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I observe that I go very high\/radiant every retreat,<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
and after some time the addiction seems to go stronger.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I am afraid that the beautifull person I become when I am around you is just another brilliant (unconsciously fabricated) variation of social behaviour.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I realised lately that social behaviour for me is not a way of relating but a defense mechanism.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I am stuck between accepting, seeing, not finding the source of this almost lifelong patterns.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
And just wanting to be able to choose. Whatever that may mean.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Confusion.Silence. Not in peace with the amount of fuzz in the silence.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
I finally had to write you this. Forgive me.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Looking forward to see you the coming weekend in Venwoude. Scared too.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Love,<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
hans van der gugten<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
{Next morning answer: <\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Dear Hans, I appreciate your letter and look forward to spending next week with you. All love, isaac.}<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Subject of my first email to Isaac, send May 21, 2003, a week before the retreat in Venwoude). Dear Isaac, Some two years ago we had a chat in the park. At some point I said, as a conclusion, and … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2243","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-satsang-isaac-hans"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1tD9I-Ab","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2243","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2243"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2243\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5229,"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2243\/revisions\/5229"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2243"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2243"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hansvandergugten.nl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2243"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}