During the last retreat in Venwoude there where two Somatic Experiencing sessions that still feel relevant (in ‘my’ story) to share about.
The first was with Caitlin Catley, the second was with Petra Zimmermann.
Thuesday afternoon, second week Venwoude retreat 2014.
Last week during a session with Caitlin I was invited to exercize sinking in the here and now more and more. Meaning sinking in the body more and more. In her presence this opens up a few new dimensiosn each and every time. Also this time.
At a certain moment she suggested, that maybe I could separate the (huge) input of information from the alertness.
Given situation, is that I had expressed that even while apparently fully being embodied, through the very corners of my eyes I can reach with my attention multitudes of information, like in the wildly moving shadows of the trees on the curtains.
She also already had brought up that the seeing of all those details (mentalization as she named it last week) is a survival mechanism.
At first I did not see the connection between this mentalization and alertness.
What I did suddenly become aware of is that the seeing of all those connections, like for instance spotting a multiplicity of things with matching colours, brings about a arousal.
As if I mimic a baby like marvel as a way to retract from being fully embodied.
So getting arousal from mentalizing details is a survival strategy?
Yes, she said.
Or pornagraphy, she said en passant.
(Gosh, she is clear, she has thought about this, or it goes all by itself, who knows?)
I sink deeper and deeper in the now/the body. Sometimes dissolving in details and back again. Sometimes with my eyes closed, then open again. Suddenly I ‘saw’ that I forgot ‘to connect’ and that it was happening by itself” I was and stayed connected.
It feels as a basal resting, one that comes before unrest.
Looking has relaxed since.
And the account that I use to watch porn on the web has the most adequate title ever. Arousal.
Thursday afternoon, second week Venwoude retreat 2014.
I know Petra Zimmermann already for years as another retreat participant.
And suddenly also she was offering SE sessions there. I gave her/it a try. Happy I did.
Petra had several things lying around in the room where she worked. Those things were clearly meant to play with, which made me feel a bit aloof to begin with.
I spontaneously started a whole story about being in control. When no one does something (in a group setting) then it might feel unsafe. And then I might take the role of being in control to create (the feel of) this safety.
Petra suggested that I would use the multicoloured rope that was lying on the floor and lay it out to visualize my boundaries.
I felt my strong resistence to do so (I have had a lifelong aversion against playing games). I had to go through layers and layers of shyness and shame before I even could consider to pick up this beautifull rope.
Then old memories from my childhood came up. The well know memories about playing the board game Monopoly with my neighbor boys and the astonishing discovery that they were cheating. Basicly I was so shocked that it spoiled my lust for playing.
Then suddenly I see this: the control now to avoid playing games, is as much alike to the control that I so much ‘hated’ and ‘not understood’ in my neighbor kids. The control that they used ‘to be in control’. A behaviour that was so unprocessable for me then, that it spoiled my joy to play with others. (When what they do is called playing I’m not interested anymore).
In general I can see that clarity has been gained over the being intertwined of things like alertness, arousal and information.
Etcetera.
