From this meeting the text is available:
| Holland, Amsterdam, June 1, 2003. | ||
| < | This can go on forever, my heart moved again down into my belly. It started just around the corner. Tadong, tadong, tadong. And it is great. And I just have to be here. And I want to share two things,ift it is okay. | |
| > | Please. | |
| < | Since a few days, since the retreat in Venwoude, I’m doing kind of for fun really scary things. And it is really fun. And scary. And I want to share one example that I found out how one word is the beginning of the road to hell. And it is kind of the shortest version of all my relationships with whoever. In Venwoude I was kind of playing around with this french lady, I forgot her name. She shared something in satsang and I became interested in her. And she reacted. I told her: I’m playing around with you here in satsang because that’s safe, I consider you to be my embodied beloved. And there were these moments that were fun for both of us. And scary ones for both of us. At a point, you must have seen it, there was an open space in front of you, she was laying there and just without thinking I crawled over and kissed her, softly like this, on the mouth..And after that it brought up the first experience that I did this in highschool. I approached a girl and did like this on her cheek and was full blown slapped in the face. I was shocked! | |
| So, that brought this memory back. And blabla, I was willing to feel that fear and that happened, etc | ||
| Afterwards the frech lady came to me really crying like I have to tell you something; I am so afraid and you can not kiss me on the mouth. And I said OKAY. And that’s the beginning of hell. Two or three days later we were taking a walk in the wood and laying on this fantastic swing they have over there, have you seen it? It is a sqaire net, 3 x 3 meters. And we were just laying, swinging. And at a point I became aware that I did not dare move a finger. And that was because I said OKAY, meaning: I will do what you want. And then you never know what, anything can be forbidden. And now I know the difference between ‘okay’ and ‘It happened and I can feel your pain’. And I don’t make any promises anymore. That’s about it. | ||
| And I send you an email this morning at 3.30. And I want to read it, to all of us. Is that okay? | ||
| > | Sure. | |
| < | [I point at my turquoise head, saying:] This is because I realised how much I suppressed showing off, being present in colour. Till now you have only seen the suppressed version. And may be this is the last time, it’s not important anymore} Ah, that’s another ritual! [While speaking the above, I had taken the email out of my pocket and just now became aware that on the auto pilot I had begun rolling a cigaret.] | |
| Dear Isaac,
Although I told you some hours ago that I was exhausted (and that it felt great), there’s still no need to sleep. I don’t have a clou if you like this present, but it was fun doing the shopping. You brought the consept of tamas up in satsang and when you were later speaking with A. I asked ‘is this tamas’ (actually meaning the feeling I was feeling) What happened in the chair and what I spoke felt like a ‘coming out’. Like a being reborn, frightening again (my fysical birth almost killed my mother and me) but what an aliveness. Question. You mentioned this book on entities. Can you give me the name of the author and the title? Love. Hans. |
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| I spoke to my mind and said: preferably you go on standby, but you can be there always, you can play tricks on me, it doesn’t matter. | ||
| > | Yeah. | |
| < | So, there is a lot of thinking, a lot of restlessness, I probably go take walks, smoking sigarettes, it’s all fine. | |
| > | You touched something very briefly in that kiss and that slap, which actually is really an exquisite investigation to …. Not to get anywhere, you understand, it’s not even about going inside. It’s just ah, all this movements that have been going on. And if there is any confusion in them, they gonna hang out. | |
| < | Absolutely. Afterwards I realised that in crawling over, just from me to her, frightened her. Actually I did the same as I did when I was in highschool. | |
| > | Exactly. | |
| < | Going over from separation. | |
| > | Yes. | |
| < | Trying to bridge the gap. | |
| > | Yes. | |
| < | That’s our life. | |
| > | So, then it’s like …. Wauw, let’s see. That impuls to go and give a kiss and all the energy that goes into the mustering up enough courage to do it and all of that stuff. That’s at first what interests us. But okay, now you know you can do it. And you know that you can take the slap and all of it. Then a more subtle investigation can happen. Which is: noticing your own involvement in hurting yourself. | |
| < | Done. | |
| > | Which is not so apperent at first. Because it looks like …. Cause as long as that stays alive, that moving to kiss is always going to be akward. Because it is coming from wanting. It is coming from a place in ourselves that doesn’t know, is confused, that’s trying to get. And untill that is met, it’s like there can never just be a kiss. Cause it’ll be always be taking something. It’ll always be in that uncertainty, in that freak out. And it looked it was the other persons’ fault for not wanting to meet you. Or existence’s fault. Or something, you know. There will be a confusion around it. So the mind will spin. | |
| < | My life was this confusion. | |
| > | Your life was this confusion. And many people here. How many people know what I am talking about? Just to ….A few, ok. | |
| < | I had this image this morning; in a way there is a function in keeping the mind running. | |
| > | Yes, absolutely. | |
| < | It is like, it used to be this american expression: when the shit hits the fan. The mind being the fan throwing out all this dirt: IT IS YOUR FAULT. And what is happening now is the mind turning around, shaking up all this shit like a mixer. To create the possibility for it to be seen. And to be tranformed into fertilizer. It’s an old one, but it just dawned on me: make fertilizer out of your shit. | |
| > | Another way of seeing it is that whenever there is a mechainism that is confused, it uses up so much energy. It is like constant fonfusion, pain, projection, trying to deal with it, not being able to deal with it, getting more confused. It is endless. It takes so much energy. And then, when it is seen, all this energy is available for life. All that energy that was kind of like kinking the flow in your whole system, suddenly frees up and it can stream. | |
| < | Yes. All this energy last night. I really checked in my memory if I didn’t take this hormone three times or so. I mean, I was kind of | |
| > | Flowing, yeah. | |
| < | No. Not flying anymore. Radiating | |
| > | Radiating, yeah, being. | |
| < | I am down on the floor, more than ever. | |
| > | Fantastic | |
| < | It feels like I am at home and the house at the same time. Etcetera, etcetera. And there is not even a question in my eyes. It’s good. | |
| > | Yeah, thanks. | |
| < | Shit is good. | |
Holy Shit