All this meaning!

From this meeting the text is available:

Germany, Chiemsee, september 7, 2003.
> You’re welcome to speak if you like and there is no need.
< I want to look into a question that is already with me for three years or so. Three years ago I asked the same question to Gopal [nowadays called Lodewijk] and he made a complete fool out of me for asking it. So, when I realised that I was going to ask this question to you I had to say that there was a double agenda: proving that it wasn’t a stupid question. But that part is dissolved completely. And it has changed into a complete different question; it’s the same words but it’s a question not from this mental storm but almost from here [the heart]. The question then was kind of a test: when I look when my mind is completely quiet to a text in my language, then immediatly I see the meaning, so the mind is not quiet. That was my idea. And now I can see that there is an immense longing to, let’s say, a pre verbal or pre language state. And just, when I was sitting over there, I could see that is is a wanting away from all this meaning. And yesterday you said to someone ‘just take all the objects away, then you get awareness’. But how does awareness know that it exists? I think, then, there is no knowing if existence.And in a way I found out that with this question, where I am longing for is at the same time dangerous. It’s connected really with the fear of dying. And really practical; after the last retreat in Venwoude, when I was in this hyper energetic state we made this excursion to this Babaji ashram and I didn’t dare drive my car because I had flashes of only seeing colours, so I had the fear when I would drive my car I could drive into a wall because of the attractiveness of its colour. So I am longing for something that is dangerous. So, here is a confusion. I want to look into this. It is as if the basic mind without nonsense has something like I won’t leave you before I know it’s safe. And maybe this is an enlightened mind fuck. I have no clou.
Follows a silence of more than six minutes.
> Nothing comes to my mind to say. And I enjoy hanging out with you very much.
< Maybe I’ll come up with another question next time. But now it’s totally empty.
> Welcome.
> Thank you.
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